Concerning Elves and Those Other Dudes
by floofyMiko
Summary: Written in 2003, this is my very first fanfiction. Features randomness, crack, and a look into Legolas's past. DISCONTINUED.
1. Beginnings aka Attempt Number One

Disclaimer: ...It's very painful to say this...but...(gulp)...(psychiatrist pops outta nowhere: "Take a deep breath and say this now, no pressure or anything...")...**I DO NOT OWN LORD OF THE RINGS OR LEGOLAS OR ANYTHING!!!** WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!... (Regains composure AHEM...Yes, Mr. John Ronald Reuel Tolkien (that darn GENIUS!!) created all this wonderful-ness and he owns all this wonderful-ness and I am naught but a rabid, lowly fan-creature...but I DO own a life-size standup of LEGOLAS...(FANK U SO MUCH Sheepichan!)...Anyhooz, I only own any made-up characters (duh) and myself...Oh my this is an awfully long and badly written disclaimer...

Author's Note: Hey everyone!! This is the revised version of my very first fan-fic. The original one was done in script form…so obviously it's not on the site anymore XP. Anyhooz, I tweaked it up and decided to repost, but I've got to admit, it pretty much ruined most of the humor. And I'm WAY too lazy to actually start again from scratch. So, just bear with me, and read and REVIEW this (nudge nudge) in a helpful and constructive way (no flames, please!). One note: The words in italics are spoken by me, the author . And a warning: EXTREMELY SLOW UPDATER SPEAKING. Now with all that said, go and read!

* * *

**Concerning Elves...And Those Other Dudes**

Chapter 1: Beginnings...a.k.a. Attempt Number One

A strange teenage girl crept onto the set, glancing around nervously as if she was afraid someone would see her. Quickly, she ran up to a tall stool labeled "Da Narrator" and picked up a large stack of papers before plopping herself down onto the furry orange cushion. She adjusted her long blonde wig, tucking in the strands of curly brown hair that threatened to spring out any second. Unstrapping her plastic toy bow and matching plastic arrows from her back, she placed them lovingly onto her lap along with her Elf plushie. She gave a thumbs-up, and the lights dimmed.

"Ah!" a male voice screamed from behind her.

"What's wrong this time?" said another male voice, this one sounding thoroughly exasperated.

"…I'm afraid of the dark…"

Silence.

A large WHAP sounded, with a loud, "OW!" soon after.

Silence again.

The girl gave a small cough, and a female voice answered, "Yeah, yeah, honey. You can start now."

The girl smiled and began.

"Hello, everybody!" She waved furiously. "I'm not going to tell you my real name, but I'm know around here as the Weird Elf-Obsessed Narrator, or WEON for short."

She paused, and someone sniggered.

"The setting – In the lovely forests of Greenwood the Great, now called Mirkwood...Yes, the new name does turn away many tourists. But hey, Mirkwood doesn't need tourists to prosper! It's an Elven forest for crying out loud!! They've got the absolute hottest dudes in all of Middle-Earth!!! Especially – OOOOPS! I've said too much..." she giggled. "Anyhooz, this was the Third Age, and the evil of Sauron was spreading once again. The time of the elves was slowly fading, but many did not know of it yet (the POOR souls)...such as this handsome young elf-lad we are about to meet here..."

The camera panned over a large forest and slowly zoomed in onto two elves standing in a clearing. One was a well dressed, noble-looking elf wearing a name tag that read "Hello! My name is King Thranduil". He stood across from the other elf, a young boy. Waving his arms like a windmill, the older elf shouted, "C'mon there, gimme your best shot, Legolas!"

The young Legolas grinned in his trademark adorably cute way. "Okie-dokie!" he hollered, stringing his bow.

With a loud "Twaanngg!" Arrow #1 was released into the air. In a tiny voice, it shouted, "Zoom! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!"

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" screamed King Thranduil, ducking. He turned around and looked up to see Arrow#1 stuck in a tree trunk right behind the spot where his head was 0.93463 seconds ago.

"That was fun! Do it again, Leggy!" shouted Arrow #1.

"Okie-dokie!" said Legolas, stringing his bow again.

"My turn!" cried Arrow # 2 with another "Twaanngg!" from the bow. "Zoom! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!"

King Thranduil thought quickly...but not quickly enough.

"Uhhhhhhhh...AAAAAHHHHHHH!" he screamed, ducking again.

_Erm...I SAID THINKING FAST! You're supposed to do or say something awesome and kingly! Your son's cooler than you are, by the way...hehe..._

Arrow #2 grinned. "That was fun!"

Arrow #1 grinned. "I told you so!"

King Thranduil stuck out his tongue. "Be quiet you...you...anonymous voice who jocks my son!"

_…I__'ll go__ now…_

Young Legolas sighed. His father was talking to the sky again. It was getting awfully boring, and there was a (nearly) full quiver of arrows sitting by his feet… "Daddy! Can I do it again? Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please…"

King Thranduil groaned and rubbed his temples. "MAKE IT STOP!"

"Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please…"

"Hey, Legolas! I think I see a piece of CHOCOLATE-FLAVORED LEMBAS five miles west of here! Go get it before anyone else does! Go on, go!"

Legolas' eyes widened. "OOOOH!!! Gimme, gimme!!!!" he yelled, shooting off into the trees.

King Thranduil wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. His normally perfect Elven hair was in a mess (Yuck!) "WHEW………….."

Arrow #1 turned to Arrow #2. "That King T. is a bit flustered, don't you think?"

Arrow #2 grinned. "That was fun! Do it again, Leggy!"

* * *

"Pssst!!" came a voice from off set.

WEON was sitting on her narrator's stool, swinging her legs and stroking her toy bow and arrows. "Eeeek!!" she cried, dropping the "weapons" and looking around frantically, "Who was that?!"

The voice made a strange noise, something that sounded like a sigh combined with a scream of frustration. "It's just me. And it's your cue."

WEON jumped up from her seat. "Oh, I'm sorry!" She bent down to pick up the script…and three minutes and several ripped pages later, WEON found her place. She cleared her throat. "Later...at the palace...where those attractive elves dwell in absolute harmony and bliss…"

The camera zoomed in on the young Legolas sitting outside on a balcony. "Yummy!" he said through a mouthful of food, "My favoritetest CHOCOLATE-FLAVORED LEMBAS!"

A moment later, King Thranduil came bursting through the doors. He made his way to his son and bent down with his hands on his knees, huffing and puffing. "How'd YOU get here so fast, my boy?"

"Er rauw." It was hard for Legolas to speak clearly while stuffing his face full of lembas.

(Translation: I ran.)

King Thranduil sucked in a deep breath and coughed. "Well...you sure were fast, laddie."

"Er roow."

(Translation: I know.)

King Thranduil got up, wheezing and gasping for air. "I think I'll rest just here a bit," he managed, leaning on the pretty marble railing.

The pretty marble railing cleared its throat. "With all due respect, sir, you are perspiring on me…"

"Wha-WHAT?" gasped King Thranduil. He turned to look at his son, who was still eating. "Did I just hear the railing speak?" Kind Thranduil bent down and pressed his ear on the balustrade, shouting, "CAN YOU SAY THAT AGAIN, LOUDER?"

Legolas rolled his eyes.

"Hmm…" said the king, straightening up and breathing hard. "Maybe it's all in my head…OOOOOOH!!" he cried suddenly, spotting a flock of sinister-looking black birds seven miles away. "Pretty birdies! See the pretty birdies, Legolas?"

Young Legolas was still slowly chomping on his lembas. "Erp, Er rei rim."

(Translation: Yup, I see them.)

The Sinister-looking birds/Pretty birdies (depending on who you ask) continued to fly towards the west. "Caw! We're evil!"

King Thranduil clapped his hands in excitement. "Whatcha think they are, son? Crows? Let's capture one and name it Polly! OH! No! How about…"

Legolas licked the crumbs off his fingers as he got up to join his father. "Nah, they're not for pets, daddy. They're _crebain_ from Fangorn and Dunland. They're probably bad guys…"

King Thranduil smiled widely at his son…then fell into a coughing fit. "Wow! (COUGH) I'm impressed! (COUGH) What a smart boy (COUGH) you are!"

Young Legolas simply smiled that heart-melting smile of his.

King Thranduil continued to cough and wheeze. "Ugh. I really shouldn't have gone power walking back home from that old archery clearing. 0.00193 miles is just a bit too much…"

Legolas looked up at his father with an innocent puppy-dog-eyes face. "Daddy...you're not getting OLD...are you?"

King Thranduil huffed and puffed. "WHAT?...Oh no...Oh NO, my son. I'm just a little...out of shape..." He gasped loudly. "I AM NOT OLD! Nooooooooooooooooo! I'm only 5038 years, 7 months, 22 days, 15 hours, 41 minutes, and 10 seconds old! NOT OLD!" With that, he ran off at the breakneck speed of 0.002 mph, muttering to himself. "I need my inhaler…"

Young Legolas looked on in a sophisticated, nonchalant, and yet adorable way. "I wanna go play with my toy archers!" he declared to no one in particular, and walked off to his room.

Arrow #1 was still on the tree, grinning. "This is fun!"

Arrow #2 was also on the tree, grinning. "That was fun! Do it again, Leggy!"

* * *

WEON, having been following the script very closely, immediately said her line…or at least her version of it. "Still later…and still in that beautiful palace blessed with the presence of the all-wonderful, worthy-to-be-worshiped, cutest-and-most-adorablest-guy-in-all-of-Middle-Earth-and-the-rest-of-the-universe-for-that-matter, Prince of Mirkwood, Legolas…"

The young Legolas smiled shyly. "I am loved!"

_I'm baack!! And I LOVE YEW LEGOLAS!!! (glomp)_

Legolas smiled contentedly. "Miss Author LOVES me, so she's gonna make sure nothing bad happens to me ever for the rest of the story!" He grinned adorably, showing perfectly straight, white, and adorable baby teeth, except for a cute little gap, giving little Leggy a sweet, mischievous look.

_SHUSH! DON'T REVEAL MY BADLY THOUGHT-OUT PLOT!_

Legolas smiled adorably. "Okie! I sowwy," he said, sitting down to play with his toys again.

Suddenly, a Strange Voice came from the sky. "Excuse me."

_Yesh? What happened? Did the archery storage run out? Did evil squirrels attack us in a homicidal rage because the elves claimed all the pretty trees that were rightfully theirs in the first place and now the enraged amphibians are here for revenge so they have pillaged and burned the entire community leaving none but my dear Legolas to save the most fair and noble race of elves? DID THEY ROB THE CHOCOLATE STORE?_

"Uh…no. First of all, squirrels aren't amphibians…but anyways, I am here to issue a complaint. You must get rid of that underpaid, obsessive-compulsive 'narrator' you have there."

WEON was just in the middle of planting a huge kiss on her Elf plushie. Blushing, she quickly hid the doll behind her back. "Uh…who, me?"

_B-but...I thought she was a nice person…and she had gladly accepted her $0.04 an hour wage…!_

The Strange Voice continued. "Well, I am here to replace WEON. I am a professional in-story narrator with years of experience, and I agree to work for you under only two conditions: get rid of the adjectives ADORABLE, CUTE, and SWEET to describe everything your main character does (BECAUSE WE GET THE POINT, DARN YOU!)...and raise my salary to $0.14 an hour."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried WEON as the Strange Voice's minions…err…assistants dragged led her off the set. "Don't send me away!" The last thing we heard as her voice faded was, "Elves are too coollllll..."

_Hmph! I suppose you leave me with no choice…_

"And I suppose you're right," said Strange Voice Who Is Now Narrator (SVWINN). "Anyhooz, let's return to our story in which this authoress is trying to obviously and desperately create a plot, but isn't fooling anybody…"

_Grrr…_

Random Guard #1 knocked on the open door of Legolas' bedroom. "Prince Legolas! There is a young lady here to see you! And she sends a word of greeting: 'Come down here or else!'…"

Random Guard #2 tapped the first guard on the shoulder. "Hey! Those were five words of greeting! I'm smart!" he exclaimed, grinning.

Random Guard #1 replied with a "BONK!" of his nightstick.

"Ouchie…" said Random Guard #2, rubbing his head.

Putting down his toys, Legolas looked up with a mildly curious expression on his face. "Okies, I'm coming!" He stood and hopped lightly down the stairs.

Another Random Guard pulled back a pretty beaded curtain made of little elvenstone imitations (If you look closely, you can see 'Made in China" etched on each bead). "Prince Legolas, meet Elenuial."

SVWINN spoke with a faint hint of sarcasm in his voice. "There, framed by sunbeams, stood a fair young Elven maiden. There seemed to be a halo of light surrounding her." SVWINN cleared his throat and grunted. "Ugh. Elves are always stereotypically portrayed so well. I oughta –…OUCH!!…I sowwy…"

_Please continue._

"Yes, yes, of course. Uhh…she had beautiful, flowing dark brown hair and a soft, cheerful face. She wa –

"WAIT A SECOND!" demanded the young Eleniual. She turned to the odd little elf boy standing behind her. "Turn down that flashlight! You're blinding everybody!"

"Ah. Ah. We're being blinded," said several voices unenthusiastically.

A Random Dude Who Uses "Stylish" Language piped up. "Agh! My retinas! They BURNSS!"

Another Random Dude Who Uses "Sophisticated" Language also spoke. "Agh! My corneas! They BURNSS as well!"

The Little Elf Boy's lower lip quivered. "I'm sorry, big sis!!" he cried, turning down the flashlight to 168743 watts.

Elenuial smiled. "That's much betterer, Beleglin. Go on, keep talkin', strange voice."

"Ah, yes," said SVWINN, pulling out his sunglasses. "Now, where were we?" There was a ruffle of script papers. "...halo of light...yada yada yada...oh yes, here. AHEM. She wa –"

"Excusy me, Mr. Voicy, sir. But why would you need sunglassies if you don't have eyesies?" asked the young Beleglin.

"Silence you...you...ELF!!!"

(No one gets it. Then again, everyone else in this scene is an elf, too…)

"Oh, never mind," sighed SVWINN. "Anyway, she was carrying a large bow and a quiver of arrows on her back…" SVWINN coughed and muttered, "Probably made in China…"

"EXCUSE US? We were made in GUATEMALA, THANK YOU!" shouted Elenuial's bow and arrows.

SVWINN ignored them. "Anyway, the pretty little Elvish girl was holding an Elven dagger in one hand and a half eaten chocolate bar in the other. Oh, aren't you ready for battle…"

Elenuial grinned, not catching the sarcasm. "Yup Yup!! I'm always ready for war!!"

All this time, Legolas had been staring at her. "...Elenuial...I've seen you before, right?…Only briefly though…"

Elenuial smiled warmly at him. "Don't you remember...it was only about a hundred years ago…"

Realization came upon Legolas' face. "The Oracle…Saurina…"

"You hit it right on the head…go you!"

* * *

...And so, I end this chapter with the worst ending in the history of chapter endings (YESH!! I'm horrible at this!! Spare me the punishment!!!) But hey, it means I'll definitely be updating!...someday (heh) **!WARNING!** VERY SLOW UPDATER SPEAKING! Just review...pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry on top? 


	2. So Who the Heck is Saurina? Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not and will never own Lord of the Rings because Tolkien is a genius and he thought of it first. (sob! I will idolize him forever! ) Anyways, any characters with names that are unrecognizable are (obviously) created by Yours Truly ;o) and were somehow dug up from one of the great voids inside my insane brain (Hey, that rhymes! Hehehe! XP)

Oh yeah, and there is a brief Silmarillion reference in here (I think…), and I don't own that either, okay?

Author's Note: Welcome to Chapter 2! Yes, yes, I know this fic is supposed to be dead, but hey, IT LIVES! XD Regardless of the many nonexistent reviews I got (hehehe xP), I will be continuing my little parody...which isn't even a parody yet (Heh oops oh well; I placed it in that category anyhooz XP). Don't worry, though, I'll be getting to the parody-ness...someday...Yeah well, I am continuing my "story" (for now at least) just for the pure FUN of it (BOOYAH!) So if you don't like it...FLAME ME ALL YOU WANT! I can handle it XPP. Just be aware of the fact that all flames will be mercilessly ignored and will immediately upon obtainment be fed to my rabid squirrel. Sankyuu.

* * *

**Concerning Elves...And Those Other Dudes**

Chapter 2: So who the heck is Saurina?

"Hello. Back so soon? …" said the Strange Voice Who Is Now Narrator (SVWINN). (A/N: If you count about 8 months as soon X-X. Sorry for sticking an A/N in so early. You can hurt me later.)

_I knew they would! Here you go! Kisses! Kisses for all!_

SVWINN gave a skeptical look and sighed loudly. "I am picking up from where the author amateurishly left off last chapter with a horribly done cliffhanger. Really, what kind of writer does that? Oh, I'm sorry, that was a rhetorical question. Obviously THIS incompetent author does…"

_Humph. Here. My oversized mallet wants to meet you…_

BONK!

"OUCHIES!" cried SVWINN.

The young Beleglin stuck out his head onto the set. "Excusy me, Mr. Voicy, sir. But how did you get hit on the head with an oversizey mallet if you don't have a head?"

"Wah WAAHHH!" Apparently, SVWINN was in too much "pain" to issue a proficient comeback.

(Translation: You assassin!)

_Heh heh! Keep narrating or I'll hit you again! …Or maybe I should do it again just for fun-ness…_

The stage crew poked their heads onto the set and cheered. "Yay! Hit him again!"

SVWINN coughed and winced. "Ah, no, that's really not necessary. Umm...let's just start from the backflash...I mean FLASHBACK! See? Miss Author person, you have murdered many of my brain cells...I should SUE you!" He muttered to himself and grumbled, "With the U.S. government, this'll be a cinch..."

(Start flashback)

A younger King Thranduil sat in a dining area, holding his baby boy. The king was trying to feed his son some mashed carrots. Key word: trying.

Baby Legolas gurgled and hurled the mushy globs of food back at his father. "Goo!"

The king screamed and tried to remove the carrot blobs from his eyes with his free hand. "AAGGHHHH! NOOOOO! I'm being attacked! Take cover! Take cover! Make it STOP! …"

"OOPS!" cried SVWINN quickly, stopping the tape as he laughed nervously. "Aha…I'm sorry...wrong reel…Oh, c'mon, King T…don't get mad…get glad…"

King Thranduil was not getting glad. "THAT WAS EMBARRASSING!" he fumed, pulling his arm back.

"Don't hit me!" squeaked SVWINN, terrified.

The slap landed and echoed throughout the room. Everyone seemed to hold his or her breath.

"Well…that was loud," SWVINN finally remarked cautiously, "But, that didn't hurt…"

Everyone else simply blinked. The only sound that could be heard was the chirping of several crickets. Upon realizing that they were the only ones making any noise, even the crickets shut up and blinked.

Then, silence.

_AAHHHHH! The silence! The silence is killing me! …Stop…silence...I'm melting…_

Still more silence.

Suddenly, a scream resounded in the room, causing everyone to jump. King Thranduil looked down at his right pinky and screamed again. "AGH! I got a boo-boo! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" He took off, crying as he ran.

"Well, that was quite eventful," said SVWINN.

"DO THE FLASHBACK ALREADY!" the crowd cried.

"Sheesh! I'm sorry, aiight? Here it is!" SVWINN muttered to himself again. "Aren't we impatient…"

(Start flashback)

The screen flickered and buzzed as the tape rolled. It was an old black and white video, the type that features those mysterious black spots on the screen every once in a while.

A Retired Old And Boring Narrator (ROABN) sat on a stool and began to speak in a monotonous baritone voice. "Thus follows the account of Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, on his very first field trip to the More Door amusement park..." Then, he fell asleep.

The camera zoomed in on a large school wagon, pulled by several horses. A group of elementary-aged Elvish children sat chatting and spitting the occasional spitball. One boy was singing.

"Ninety-nine cups of water on the wall, ninety-nine cups of water! Take one down, pass it around, ninety-nine cups of water on the wall! Ninety-nine cups of wa—"

Random Elf Child #444 stood on his seat and turned around, resting his chin on the back of the seat. "Um...excuse me Prince Leggy...but aren't we supposed to count DOWN from ninety-nine? …"

Legolas laughed like an adult finding amusement in a young child's silly question. "No, you silly dumb head! Elven water lasts forever, so it doesn't count down!"

Another Random Elf Child (#257) was listening in. He leaned across the aisle and scratched his head. "I don't get it…"

Legolas smiled. "Don't worry! You guys will understand someday!"

The Random Elf Children #444 & #257 chuckled nervously with blank looks on their faces.

The wagon continued to bump along, passing through a gap in a mountain range as the view opened up to reveal a wide, rocky landscape with a tall tower and a smoking volcano looming in the distance. Dark clouds obstructed the sun, and the atmosphere consisted of overall scariness.

The wagon driver jerked the reins roughly, causing the wagon to come to an abrupt halt. Dropping the reins, he turned around to face the young, fidgeting Elves. "Ok, you good for nothin' pansy children," he growled, "Get off my wagon!"

"YAY! MORE DOOR AMUSEMENT PARK!" the youngsters cried as they jumped out of their ride.

"I wanna go to the haunted tower!" declared Random Elf Child #395.

"YEAH!" shouted Random Elf Child #412, smiling, "The one with the _fake _spiders!"

Legolas shook his head. "Nah. I wanna go to the fortune teller lady! She's funny!" He grinned.

"YAY! Fortune teller lady!" cried the group of children.

Several moments of silence passed. There was an uneasy cough, and the cast began to squirm impatiently, looking at each other for instructions on what to do next. Finally, when nothing seemed to be happening, Legolas defied all laws of nature (or whatever) and poked the decrepit ROABN.

"Ouch…" mumbled ROABN, "Just a few more…Wha – What?" He sat up with a start and sheepishly glanced around at all the annoyed faces. Clearing his throat, he continued, "Oh erm…all the Elvish children skipped along and followed Prince Legolas, the genuine and evident leader. The horde of young Mirkwood elves was about to be unleashed upon More Door. The staff of More Door did not know nor did they expect what would happen during the span of this bizarre yet noteworthy day. They had only mastered the art of hot dog preparation. They did not know of the unapparent yet surprisingly fierce power of juveniles…Yes, I think that's it…" he ended with a mumble, and promptly went back to sleep.

"What's a fortune teller?" hissed Random Elf Child #453.

Random Elf Child #278 shrugged. "Beats me."

* * *

Some time later…the young Elven company approached a large structure.

"Looky!" shouted Legolas, pointing. "The Tower of Bar-and-Hurl! The fortune teller is up there. Isn't it a pretty tower?"

"I look evil!" cackled the Tower of Bar-and-Hurl as it LOOMED. (Loom loom)

Everyone else "Ooh-ed" and "Ahh-ed" as they craned their necks, eyes sparkling as they took in the magnificent sight.

CRACK!

"Ah, my neck!"

"Hey! The black paint is peeling!" exclaimed Random Elf Child #106, poking it repeatedly and examining it. "It's pink underneath!"

"WHAT!" cried the Tower of Bar-and-Hurl, "AGH! Peeling skin! I knew I forgot something at the gross-ery store the other day...some More Door brand More-sturizing lotion! ...The label says--"

A random commercial jingle floated in and assaulted everyone's ears.

"--'Healthy acrylic black-tinted skin in minutes! No "More" peeling!' Come get your More-sturizing lotion today!'" The Tower of Bar-and-Hurl grinned widely. Someone took out a gun and shot the commercial jingle, and so it was no more.

Legolas smiled sweetly. "Who wanna come with me?"

All Male Random Elf Children whistled nonchalantly and suddenly hollered, "Hey, look! An interesting patch of grass 4682 feet from here! I'll be busy analyzing it if you need me..." And they all disappeared in a cloud of baby powder.

"…Cough."

All Female Random Elf Children stood mesmerized and suddenly chanted, "Yes. We will follow Prince Leggy. Yes. We will follow Prince Leggy. Yes. We will follow Prince Leggy. Yes…"

"Okieday!" said Legolas smugly. Somehow, he poked ROABN again.

"Time already?" grumbled ROABN. "Ok, ok, um...The gaggle of Elven maidens followed Legolas up the stairs..." He giggled. "Gaggle is a funny word!"

Random Elf Child #562 pouted. "Hey! Don't they have elevators up in hurr? I am NOT feeling this trip...MY mommy says strenuous exercise is bad for your toenails...and I MUST keep my toenails in tip top condition if I am to win the Miss Elf award when I get older!" She put on a haughty air, striking a pose.

"You nymph," snorted Random Elf Child #163. "MY mommy says knuckles are more important."

"Grr…who ya callin' a nymph, nymph!"

"Ooh…" went the rest of the random elf children. "Squirrelfight!" they announced with a giggle.

Then they left.

* * *

"Chikooo!" chittered Random Elf Child #562 as she scratched.

(Translation: Spinach! scratch)

"CHIKOOO!" responded Random Elf Child #163 as she scratched TWICE.

(Translation: CANADA! scratch scratch)

At the sound of this commotion, a She-Orc poked her head out of a door with sign that said 'Makeunders'. "Now, now, girls, there's no need to fight," she said, a smiile spreading on her disfigured face like butter on toast (or something). "How 'bout the two of you come in, free of charge, for a torture session...OOPS! Did I say torture session? Uhh…I meant bath therapy. Yes, that's it--bath therapy. C'mon, girls, it'll be just the thing to calm your nerves..."

Random Elf Children #562 & #163 grinned. "Chikoo," they agreed.

(Translation: Okie.)

The She-Orc ushered them inside and slammed the door shut. The girls promptly immersed themselves in a black mud bath spa treatment called "The Orc Special", and black makedown was applied.

Random Elf Children #562 & #163 were in high spirits, so they splashed around and sang a merry song.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and gaayyy..." (A/N: From the West Side Story movie. I obviously don't own it. Duh. This is only here for all those government people who are out to get me.)

_Black sure seems to be the color of choice here in More Door...maybe it's the THEME COLOR!_

ROABN rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly. "Girls these days...now let's see...up the stairs...ah, yes, here we are...Up, up, and up they went. Slowly but surely, though, their number began to dwindle. Everyone's attention was averted by either the More Door Armor Shop (fashionable warrior styles for orcs and she-orcs of all ages), the Crebain Store (fascinating accessories for spying pets)…"

"PRETTY BIRDIES!" shouted King Thranduil out of nowhere with a big, stupid grin plastered on his face.

"...or the "More-Sweets" Shoppe (tasty treats to tingle your taste buds...what's even better is the fact they're black!)..."

_SWEETS! But…um…I can't decide between Legolas or the candy…WAAAAAAAHHHH!_

Legolas smiled. "If you come with me, I betcha I can ask the fortune teller lady to get you a FREE SAMPLE from the Shoppe!"

_…I'm decided._

"Gets her every time!" said Legolas with a grin.

So we trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged and trudged…

_Okay, I'm sick of typing 'trudged' and I'm tired. Let's just pretend we're there already. Remember: No chocolate no energy to climb up 2793 flights of stairs!_

At these words, a big wooden door appeared out of nowhere with a sparkly POOF!

"Hey! Where'd I come from? Why is it so dark in here? Who are you? Why is there a termite currently eating my insides?"

"Mr. Door, sir, please, may we pass?" asked Legolas, his voice dripping with as much sugar as he could muster.

"NO! Not until you tell me where I came from, why it's so dark in here, who you are, and why there is a termite curren--"

_(Turns doorknob, steps inside, drags Legolas along)_

"ACK!" cried Mr. Door. "That was a direct violation! I specifically stated the terms of agreement, and you deliberately declined to comply with my request! I should sue you! …Good ol' U.S.A…"

SVWINN piped up. "Dude, whatever you do, don't hire my guy. Didn't get my brain cells back, and he still wanted me to PAY him. Dumb lawyer."

"Thanks for the advice."

"Anytime, dude."

* * *

End of Chapter 2 Part 1. Yeah, I split this chapter into 2 parts just because I CAN. Deal with it.

Don't forget to review! Reviews make me happy and build up an otherwise fragile self-esteem XD And if you don't, I…I…won't update! XX Lame threat, I know. Just click the button.


	3. So Who the Heck is Saurina? Part 2

Disclaimer: Hmm…(goes off to check her copies of Tolkien's works)…nope. Still not my name that's on there. Phooey. XD It's a very good thing, though. If I owned it, the Lord of the Rings wouldn't even be one tenth as awesome as it is now, yeah?

And the Silmarillion reference is in THIS half of the chapter XD.

And I still own whatever random OC's I stuck in this story.

But I don't own Handi-Wipes.

Author's Note: Here's the second part of Chapter 2! Be prepared for "new" character(s) and all that jazz. This time, flames will immediately upon obtainment be given to Roy Mustang, who will have lots of fun with them XD. On the other hand, constructive crit will be happily received with a big "Sankyuu."

Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter(s)! You make me happy!

* * *

**Concerning Elves…and Those Other Dudes**

Chapter 2: So who the heck is Saurina? (Part 2)

Meanwhile...

At the top of the tower, there was a single room with a single window. A single torch burned in the corner, and a single light bulb hung from the ceiling, sorrowfully swinging back and forth. As it flickered, it cast eerie shadows onto the dirty, moldy stone walls, illuminating the assorted smashed insect corpses, all seeming to have met their deaths by a single fly swatter. Indeed, this was a very sad, and very singular room.

On a tiny, grimy bar stool in the center of this room sat a mysterious figure, trying to keep its balance. It was draped in a black hooded cloak with the words "I am the Fortune Teller Lady: F33R ME!" sewn on the back in gold lettering. A Pal-and-Tear crystal ball stood in a rusty metal stand on a small wooden table. She peered deep into her crystal ball, concentrating intensely.

"Hmm...I see a mist of some sort...Oh my! ...Oh _my_! ...Now I see a fog closing in…It's very foggy...Oh, wait. Those are just smudges."

She pulled out a handi-wipe and rubbed the Pal-and-Tear furiously.

"Mm…much better...now...I see an extremely handsome young elf lad and a funny-looking girl standing beside him...wow, those handi-wipes sure do a great job...they seem to be looking straight at me." She shuddered. "Freaky…"

"Um...excusy?" squeaked Legolas in a small, shy voice.

The Fortune Teller Lady looked up, startled to see SkiBz and Legolas standing right in front of her. "_OH_! ...Hello...um...I predicted your arrival, you know…eheh."

_Oh, yes. Of course. Was that during or after the five minutes we've been standing here waiting right in front of you? I'm an impatient person, okay? I WAS PROMISED CHOCOLATE TO COME HERE! (Starts foaming at mouth)_

"Kwah! Ok, ok! Wh-what can I do for you?" stuttered the Fortune Teller Lady, falling off her chair and scuttling as far away as she could.

_OH! I know! I know! After you get me my chocolate, you can tell us the future! Yeah! Yeah! The future! (Jumps up and down repeatedly)_

"T-take it." She quickly tossed over a bar of 'Middle-Earth Way' chocolate.

_Yesh! At long last! (Rips it open and starts gnawing on the yummy-dilly-icious chocolate!)_

Legolas piped up. "I gotsa question."

"...A-ask away..." said the Fortune Teller Lady in a shaky voice.

"Why are you stuttering what's your real name and why are you an eyeball?"

She cleared her throat. "Those were _three_ questions..."

"Do I look like I care?"

"…No, actually you don't. Anyhooz, I'm not stuttering anymore so that question is invalid. My real name is..."

A drumroll accompanied by spooky music floated in from the overhead speaker (a single one).

"...Saurina!..."

The music came to a swelling climax. The lightbulb and window shattered.

"...and I am an eyeball because I lost my body when that bi…witch Isildura cut off my finger...Umm...I looked too ugly without my finger so I decided to discard my entire body except for my left eye...yea that's it!" She gave a nervous chuckle.

Legolas screwed up his face. "_Eww_, that's icky!"

"Yeah, I know, right?" sighed Saurina.

_Well, the chocolate's all gone…so how about my future, now? Yay!_

Saurina twitched. "Erm...hold up just a sec..." She pulled out a copy of 'Fortune Telling for Retarded People Like You: The Beginner's Edition of Fortune Telling for Dummies' and flipped to random page. "...Umm..._your_ fortune is that...you will marry the man of your dreams, visit a new world, and conquer Canada...

_Yes! I knew it! Canada will be mine!_

"...Legolas, your oracle is that...you will meet some strange men, miraculously avoid being touched by them, and become king of Mirkwood..."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, _duh_. That was obvious."

"What? The men or their touching?"

Legolas stared at her with wide eyes, innocence written all over his face. "My daddy says it's not good for me to listen to that kind of talk! I'm gonna be king of Mirkwood, of course!" He then rambled over to ROABN and poked him in the head.

"Oh, so now it's MY turn to talk?" muttered ROABN. "Yeah, so all of a sudden, the door swung open with a slam..."

"Why am I always getting abused? Why me? WHY?"

"...and in sauntered the She-orc from the 'Makeunders' salon. In each hand, she was dragging a young elf maiden, kicking and screamaaaaaaaaaahhhhng…"

"Heyy," shouted Legolas. "I know you guys! You're Random Elf Children #562 & #163! I'm so smart!"

"CHIKoo!" chittered Random Elf Child #562.

(Translation: KICK!)

"CHIKOOO!" went Random Elf Child #163.

(Translation: SCREAM!)

Saurina scoffed at them, disgusted. "What's up with those two imbecilic dim-witted creatures...stupid elves..."

Legolas glared at her.

_I'm glaring too! Grr…_

"Agh! The glare! It burns! ...I didn't mean it honest I swear! …" Saurina twitched involuntarily.

"CHIIKOOO chikoo?"

(Translation: What's "imbecilic" mean?)

"Chii…Chikoo chikoO chikOO."

(Translation: Hmm...I think it means purple or something.)

"Oh...Chikoo chikoo chikoo?"

(Translation: Oh...then what does "stupid" mean?)

"Chii chikoo. Chikoo chikoo chikooo."

(Translation: Aw, that's easy. Of course it means bacon.)

Let's make this a game: Guess what Legolas did to ROABN…

…Okay, time's up.

ROABN yawned. "Darn you, Leggy child, quit poking me. And why do _you_ always know my cue?"

"I'm a smart boy like that!" he answered, smiling sweetly.

_I know I don't do much, I'm just...here...hehehe…_

A frustrated Saurina growled. "Can we get back to the _plot point_ of this chapter, folks?"

_WHAT! PLOT POINT? WHERE? MUST...OBTAIN...PLOT POINT! (Turns and runs into a cushioned wall) Hey! How convenient!_

"Oh yeah," said Saurina, "I just got that installed the other day."

_PLOT POINT?_

Saurina snarled and went into spasms. Smoke came out of her ears...I mean...eyeball...(what?)

"I AM THE PLOT POINT, DAMMIT!" she screamed. "ME! ALL ME! MINE! MY OWN!"

_...Really? ...how come that never crossed my mind? ...Hmm… (Ponders)_

"JUST READ THE CHAPTER TITLE, YOU BRAINLESS EXCUSE FOR A FAN FIC AUTHOR!"

Legolas quickly ran up to the top of the page with his amazing elvish agility and made a copy of the chapter title to paste back down here.

Paste Here: **Chapter 2: So who the heck is Saurina?**

_... wait...it says heck...and… (Light flickers on) ... Ohhhhhhhh…_

"Dimwit," muttered Saurina.

"Chikoo chikooo?"

(Translation: Is Dimwit like Figwit?)

"ChikoO chikoo CHIKOO, chik."

(Translation: Figwit's my dumb older cousin twice removed, you know.)

"Chikoo 'CHIKOO'?"

(Translation: What's "twice removed"?)

"Chikooo. Chikoo chikOO, chikoo?"

(Translation: Dunno. But it sounds cool, doesn't it?)

Saurina fumed. "WHY AM IN A ROOM FULL OF RETARDS AND DINGBATS?"

Legolas stared at her with big puppy eyes. "...Hey... you read 'Fortune Telling for Retarded People Like You: The Beginner's Edition of Fortune Telling for Dummies'. Are you a retard, too?" He blinked several times.

The she-orc growled. "Hey! You forgot about me, Oh Great One! ...and...I'm not a bat…"

Saurina cried out in agony, 'crazy mad like gonna punch someone's lights out (yo)'.

"ARGH! I'VE HAD IT! I'M FINISHED, DONE, KAPUT, KAPLOOIE! NO MORE FORTUNE TELLING FOR ME! I AM GOING TO FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY LATE MISTRESS MORGOTHA (A/N: idea from The Silmarillion that I do not own)! I AM GOING TO BECOME EVIL! I AM GOING TO BECOME ADDICTED TO THE CAPS LOCK KEY! FEAR ME! FEAR! READ MY CLOAK! MWAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!"

_MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! (Shrugs) Probably just had too much chocolate. I understand. It happens to me all the time._

The scared Legolas stumbled over to the she-orc and clung to her leg, shaking. "For some reason I thinks she's seriously gone crazy mad…!"

The scared she-orc clung to Legolas, trying to hide behind him. "And that she's gonna punch someone's lights out...!"

_And don't forget 'yo'!_

"Chi...chikoo chikoo chikoo chikoO?"

(Translation: Wait...how can Miss Saurina punch if she don't got no arms?)

"Chikoo CHIKOO chikOO chikooo? Chikoo chikoooo?"

(Translation: Why do _you_ always ask _me_ the questions? Do I look like I know?)

Legolas whimpered and poked a certain someone.

No response form ROABN.

"Huh?" He poked him harder.

Still no response.

Legolas grumbled with impatience. "TUNAFISH!"

ROABN jerked up. "WHAT? ...Oh..." He turned around to see everyone staring, especially Saurina. "Umm...well, we're up to the part where the younger Elenuial comes in...Psst! Elenuial! Your cue!" he said in a loud stage whisper.

The young elf replied from somewhere backstage. "No, not yet! You gots to do the description, the earthquake and the light and _everything_!"

"Stupid demanding girly elves," muttered ROABN. He heaved a big sigh. "Okie," he continued, assuming a dramatic voice. "_Ahem_! All of a _sudden_, there was an unexpected _earthquake_!"

Everyone gave a great stage gasp.

"The _earth_ trembled. The _mountains_ shook. The _trees_ were uprooted. The fake _river_ flooded with the _deathly_ water from _More Gull Valley_! And the most _frightening_ thing of _all_...the _stocks fell_!" ROABN screamed and began to hyperventilate.

A Random Stage Crew Member rushed to ROABN and handed him a paper bag. "Just breath in and out, gramps. You're doing a swell job."

Elenuial popped outta nowhere. "Hi, guys!"

Everyone simply stared at her.

"At least _she_ didn't slam me open," harrumphed the door with a haughty sniffle. "...Abusing a poor innocent door like me...it's quite unconstitutional..."

"I suggest you all _run_...but ish only a suggestion," said Elenuial.

Everyone kept staring.

"Get yurr butts outta hurr!" she hollered.

Everyone besides Saurina squeaked in fright and ran away.

"MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!" cried Saurina. "I AM TOO POWERFUL! MERE ROCKS CANNOT DESTROY ME!"

Elenuial rolled her eyes and chucked a grain of sand at Saurina.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE IRRITATION! THE IRRITATION! WHERE ARE THOSE 'NO MORE DRY EYES' EYE DROPS WHEN YOU NEED 'EM?"

"Um, do you think shouting makes you more powerful or something? Cuz it ain't working with me!"

"STUPID GIRL WASN'T HERE BEFORE. STUPID GIRL DIDN'T SEE ME CLEARLY STATE THAT I WAS ADDICTED TO THE CAPS LOCK KEY."

"Well, in _that case_, you--"

"AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA! THAT WAS FUNNY!"

"--understand that More Door Amusement Park is falling apart before your eyes...I mean...eye..."

"DUMB CHILD. DUH."

"...and that all your park staff members are really ugly and have developed gourmet tastes..."

"YUP."

"…for each other..." Elenuial shrugged. "Oh yeah, and the 'More Sweets' Shoppe had all their chocolate yummies fall down a crevice..."

"AGH! NO! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!"

_AGH! NO! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! (Starts slapping self) Stupid SLAP fan SLAP fic SLAP author...SLAP_

Meanwhile, a Random Balrog sat far beneath the surface, chomping contentedly on something that had clonked him on his head just a moment ago.

"Yum! Chocolate!"

* * *

The young Legolas and Company scurried away from the amusement park as fast as their little legs could carry them. They found the wagon driver slouched across his seat, with a bored yet threatening expression on his face.

"To Mirkwood! Hurry! Faster! Giddyup!" cried the elves, scrambling for seats and fastening their seatbeats. A volcano erupted in the distance.

The driver growled at them. "Good for nothin' pansy children!"

The camera returned to ROABN, who dutifully prattled, "And so ends the tale of the 'meeting' of Legolas and Elenuial, and the great rising of Saurina once again in the Third Age of Middle Earth. No one's ever going to remember this important story...unless of course...they watch this tape. So remember to watch this tape!" He flashed a wide, semi-toothless smile, and then tilted his head at the cameraman. "Okie, we're done."

Silence.

"WHY is that red light still blinking?"

Silence.

"I SAID SHUT OFF THE CAMERA DARN YOU!"

The screen went into T.V. snowstorm mode, crackling and buzzing with static.

(End flashback.)

SVWINN yawned and patted himself on the back for playing the tape without any major problems. "So, what'd you guys think?" he said, grinning.

Everyone responded with a hearty snore.

"Uhh...guys? Were you even _watching_?"

Silence, except for some random dude who mumbled, "…Zzz…the turkeys stole my back account…Zzz…"

SVWINN let out an exasperated sigh. "Stupid elves. Why do I even bother?"

* * *

Voila! You have arrived at the end of Chapter 2! Aren't you ecstatic? XD

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave ANY comments by pressing that friendly little purple button right over there...for some strange reason...the number of reviews I get seem to directly influence my updating speed! ...Tis a strange thing indeed...bwahaahhaa XD


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